For Christmas, Santa gave me Absman
by Lila Paige Rose
Summary: AU. Doubleshot. Considering that my hormones have been hibernating the last 16 years of my life, why did they have to come aboard the night my rice cooker exploded on the hunkiest 6-pack I have ever met? Sasusaku


After years and years of silence, I decided to pick the pieces of my author self up and grant the world (but mostly myself, since I'm not really sure much will read this, coz of my years of un-authorness and all that) a seriously long oneshot (that evolved into a doubleshot)

For anyone who still remembers me, I am super duper sorry I never updated anything. Life came by, I migrated to a different country, had to get used to it and all that jazz. It wasn't really that hard, but it takes up a lot of time..

For anyone who doesn't know me, I thank you for looking at my work. I hope you read on and enjoy. I thank my halfway-Beta **KakashiNeko**, a good friend I met when we were playing Perfect World International. If any GM is reading this, she got hacked. Please stop banning her for whatever her hacker did. Oh, and please give **O_oSakurao_O **a Baby Hercules.

Right. Standard Disclaimers apply. Naruto is not my property, but if it was I'm going to make a lot more romance in it, especially SasuSaku. Btw, **Fractured Tales,** a book release made by _cutecrazyice _and company, will be ready to take orders in a bit. I wish I can buy it, but I don't live in the Philippines anymore and the shipping will cost more than the book itself. Sigh.

Without further ado…

"**For Christmas, Santa gave me Abs-man"**

I was cooking dinner one night (wow, I have culinary skills. I'm in the kitchen. Making FOOD. _Score._) when there was a knock on my door.

I glared at it. _Go away, I'm busy._

Knock.

_Nu-uh. Nobody home._

Knock. KNOCK.

Narrowing eyes. _Is he breaking my door?_

Knock. KNOCK. KNO-

"I'm coming!" I hollered, grumbling how its 10pm and everyone should be minding their own business and sitting in the living room with their family and _not bothering me_ and not walking the streets of Konoha –

I opened the door and, being the well-brought up girl that I am, I said pleasantly, "Hi, asshole. Seen the time?"

Then I looked at the stupid bastard who was knocking on my door.

WHOA, ABS.

Backup there. There was a stranger on my porch, leaning over the chipped wall beside my door (oh, gotta remember to buy paint for that) and staring at me.

I stare back.

Oooh, staring contest. I count back in my head on my last record with Ino. Hmmm… I can last around 3 minutes without breaking eye contact.

"Can I use your phone?" Abs-endowed stranger asked (Yay, nicknames.)

"…" I'm staring, Do Not Disturb.

"Hello?"

I blink. "Hi." Ah, the brilliance.

"Can I borrow your phone? My phone died, and I need someone to pick me up since the snow buried my car." Wow, abs-man talks a lot for someone who looks so… delicious. (Don't we always envision the imaginary boyfriend as the non-talking type?)

"Uhm, sure. Right by the kitchen, first door on your left." I moved from the front door as he walked in, looking at me strangely (can't blame him).

Wait.

Rewind.

It's 10pm, I let a total (-ly hot. Yum.) stranger into my house, and he's on his way to my phone, which is my ticket to escape should abs-guy ever turn murderer/robber/someone not _nice._

This is one of the moments I question my intelligence.

"Hey wait, don't –" I run after him (for a total of five steps, my house ain't big) and then suddenly…

BOOM!

-------------

Terrorist. Bank robber. Murderer. Criminal. Prankster. Call 911. Twin towers. Oh _shit, _my mini-Christmas tree. Santa crashed down the chimney. Elves ran around screaming on my house. Rudolph ran into my head. Stranger on top of me.

Mmm, I feel a six-pack. (Iloveyou, Santa.)

I blink blearily, trying to absorb exactly what happened. I remember running, crashing, then _kerplooey!_

And then yummy six-pack.

Abs-stranger was hugging me, his back to the kitchen. He seemed to have felt me moving, since he looked down on me and assessed me (checking me out now, are you? _Well…)_. He quickly disentangled himself and ran a hand through his hair as I tried to get my bearings.

And promptly swooned. _My kitchen…_

For some strange reason, my kitchen had rice all over. On the table, on the oven, on the microwave, on the countertop, on abs-man's hair (oops). As I survey the damage, I see my rice-cooker, the metal on it dented outwards, burned thoroughly at the edges. How the hell can that even happen on a rice-cooker?

"Er…"

Abs-man looked at his hand which, after running it through his hair, had rice all over it. "Your rice-cooker exploded," he stated blankly, his onyx eyes boring on mine.

"I'm sorry." I gulped, plowing on. "I never thought it'll actually explode, although I remember my brother Shikamaru telling me something about how I'm a walking disaster in the kitchen but turning my rice-cooker into a bomb never actually happened before my worst on the record is making the toaster catch fire and, oh, that's sorta bad in itself… and I'm really _really_ sorry that happened to your hair and, um, want to take a shower? I'll run your clothes through the washing machine and – "

He raised his hand to make me stop.

He looks pretty pissed. Gulp.

"That'll be helpful. I'm sorry for overstaying my welcome."

I jump into action. "No no! It was my fault! I mean, even if you were a total stranger and you might be a murderer or a gangster or whatever and you were heading for my phone which is my connection to the outside world it was totally my fault that rice is now all over you so I'm sorry, Abs-man!" I smile at him brightly and toothily, wanting to give out the effect of neighbourly friendliness ad all-around goodness.

He's smirking at me, with a cat-got-the-cream look. Cute. Was it something I said?

…

Smirk.

…?

Smirk.

OH. MY. GAWD.

"Can you point to the bathroom?" I point speechlessly behind me, across the hall from the kitchen.

"The washing machine? I'd like to do it myself, if possible." I normally would've taken this to heart, but I take exceptions, especially to the man I called a murderer to his face.

He moves past me, and as he turns the corner to get into the bathroom, he looks back at me and said with that annoyingly cute upturn of his lips, "By the way, my name is Sasuke Uchiha. Not Abs-man."

With that, he vanished from my line of sight and the door of the bathroom clicked close.

_Eff my life._

-------------

I remember when I was in 6th grade, and I had this hiking trip with my class where there was always a cliff to our left. When we were climbing practically vertically, Ino, my bestfriend and ever drama queen, broke a nail. Normally, that would not even be worth mentioning, but this was _Ino_. Ino, who wailed and acted epileptic (don't tell her I said that.) on a cliff. INO, who kicked her legs spasmodically. And I, who was below her, suffered.

I thought I was saw God for a second.

Thank heavens Shikamaru was a quick thinker – he grabbed my hand and braced himself on the path. I remember hearing somewhere that he popped a shoulder, but being totally _kick-ass_, he took it manfully and rescued me.

So after this event where I was dangling off a cliff with only my dearest brother holding on to me, I thought I knew the meaning of "panic" and "nowhere to go" and "damn, I forgot to return Ino's pumps."

But _nooooooooooooooooo._ Totally hot stranger naked at one o'clock, using my shampoo and soap to lather on all over his blazing, smoking body.

Excuse me while I nosebleed.

Since I can't exactly call 911 for psychological help, I do the next best thing. I run for my laptop and log-n for some girl-on-girls (I don't want to touch the kitchen phone, and my cellphone is in the vicinity of my room, which is opposite my bathroom. Don't want to haemorrhage here.)

_**CherryBlossomLlove**__is online._

**Dramababe017: **Ooh, Sakura. Finally, you're online.

**WeaponQueen: **Yeah, we heard you were going to cook.

**Dramababe017:** If you didn't contact us, I was about to dial 911. Did anything explode this time?

**CherryBlossomsLove:** Not funny.

**WeaponQueen:** You mean nothing exploded? DAMN, gotta book an appointment with the pastor.

**CherryBlossomsLove:** Why the pastor?

**WeaponQueen: **For an extra-special mass. Sakura managed the kitchen safely!!!!

**CherryBlossomsLove:** … Raincheck on that one.

**Dramababe017:** So something DID happen? _Spill._ Your kitchen escapades are amazing.

**WeaponQueen:** Yeah, you challenge the safety codes that governments approve.

**CherryBlossomsLove:** Just for the record - It's not my fault!!!!

**Dramababe017:** So what happened? Tell Mama Ino. Now.

**CherryBlossomsLove:** Fine. My rice-cooker exploded.

_**HyuugaHime**__is online._

**HyuugaHime: **Hi guys, what did I miss?

**Dramababe017:** Sakura's rice-cooker exploded.

**CherryBlossomsLove:** Tenten needs a pastor.

**WeaponQueen:** How the HELL did you manage to make it explode?

**HyuugaHime:** I never knew rice-cookers can explode…

**Dramababe017:** Join the club Hinata, neither did we.

**CherryBlossomsLove:** Wait, that's not the most important part!!!!

**CherryBlossomsLove: **The rice-cooker exploded when a totally hot stranger was about to use my phone!

**Dramababe017: **…

**HyuugaHime:** …

**WeaponQueen:** …

**Dramababe017:** HELLOOOOO, SAKURA'S HORMONES!!!!

**WeaponQueen: **A total stranger? In your house? That's dangerous!

**HyuugaHime:** Where is he now, Sakura? Did he leave?

**CherryBlossomsLove: **Er, no. He's in the bathroom, cleaning up.

**Dramababe017: **I _knew_ you had it in you! I knew it!!! How many times did YOU come?

**CherryBlossomsLove:** Get your head out of the gutter, he's cleaning up from the rice explosion.

**Dramababe017:** Ch.

**WeaponQueen: **But Sakura, what if he's dangerous?

**WeaponQueen: **And Ino, just because you have too much hormones doesn't mean Sakura lacks them.

**CherryBlossomLove:** Yeah Ino, I resent that. Thanks, Tenten.

**WeaponQueen: **Anytime.

**HyuugaHime: **Putting that aside…

**HyuugaHime: **So a stranger is in your bathroom? Using your shower? Your _soap?_

**CherryBlossomsLove: **Whoa, Hinata, I just finished my nosebleed, don't start a new one.

**HyuugaHime:** What if he has a _disease?!_

**Dramababe017:** If he's hot enough that even Sakura-baa-san will notice, he doesn't have a disease.

**Dramababe017:** Totally sex-able.

**HyuugaHime:** That's not a basis at all!

**CherryBlossomLove: **GUYS! WHAT THE SHIT DO I DO NOW?!

**HyuugaHime: **Disinfect your bathroom NOW!

**Dramababe017: **Have wild, hot sex! Seduce him with your smexiness!

**WeaponQueen:** Throw him out, he might be a… pervert or something!

**Dramababe017:** Tenten, if he was a pervert, Sakura'll probably go, "TAKE ME NOW!"

**CherryBlossomLove: **Hinata, he's IN the bathroom.

**CherryBlossomLove: **Ino, I'm not that sex-deprived.

**Dramababe017:** You've never even had it before. That's how deprived…

**CherryBlossomLove: **_INOOOOOOOOOOOOO! _

**Dramababe017: …**you are. LOL.

**CherryBlossomLove: **Oh, shit, I think I heard the shower turn off.

**CherryBlossomLove: **Bye guys.

**CherryBlossomLove: **Even though I didn't get much input on what to do from you. Ugh.

**Dramababe017:** Wawawait, what's his name????

**CherryBlossomLove: **Uchiha Sasuke.

_**CherryBlossomLove **__is offline._

**Dramababe017: **HEY!

**Dramababe017:** Did she just say _Uchiha Sasuke?_

**WeaponQueen: **Read text above Ino, she just did.

**WeaponQueen:** Oh wow.

**HyuugaHime:** Isn't that the new student at school? Naruto's new friend?

**Dramababe017: **You mean Sakura didn't even notice him? His delicious, brooding, angsty aura?

**WeaponQueen: **Apparently not, or his name would've been mentioned earlier.

**WeaponQueen:** And to think, Ino, you didn't even give a good idea for it.

**Dramababe017: **What the…!? I did give input!

**WeaponQueen:** 'Wild, hot sex' not a useable input Ino.

**HyuugaHinata:** What if he has.. has… ick!

**Dramababe017:** What, cooties?

**Dramababe017:** I still think my idea is perfect. Hmph.

_**Dramababe017**__is offline._

_**WeaponQueen**__ is offline._

_**HyuugaHime**_ _is offline._

-------------

I switch off my laptop and sighed. Hm. No actual thought in my mind. I decide to ignore the guy who's probably changing in my bathroom, since if he's in any state of undress, I might humiliate myself more than I already did. Thank heavens my washing machine is annexed to my washroom, or I would've had to get his outfit. Drool. BUT! A girl's gotta maintain her pride and all that. Therefore I'm glad I haven't ultimately shamed myself yet. With all that said…

_Timmy is an average kid_

_That no one understands_

_Mom and dad and Vicky always giving him commands_

_But gloom and doom up in his room_

_Is broken instantly_

_By his magic little fish who grant his every wish_

"'Cause in reality they are his odd parents, fairly odd parents," I sing proudly (and loudly), as I bustle around in my kitchen, grabbing towels and surveying the damage. Singing the next lines in the song, I decided that I would also need the mop from the cleaning closet at the hallway. But first…

"Odd parents, fairly odd parents, It flips your lid when you are a kid with fairly odd parents!" I sway my hips backwards to the door, and swivel gracefully with my arms raised upwards in a V position for the last line.

"YEAH, RIGHT!" Bright smile.

Applause.

…Let's forget how girls need dignity shall we? I think I just lost all of it.

"Sasuke-kun…" I breathed, wondering internally the amount of times I can humiliate myself before in one night. Or one hour. I mentally count, (1) letting him in, (2) exploding the rice-cooker, (3) getting rice all over my kitchen and him (4) calling him a murderer, (5) calling him Abs-man on top of that, and (6) him having found out my secret obsession on Fairly OddParents. Wow, I humiliate myself once every 10 minutes.

He smirked at me, as if he found something he can blackmail me with. Oh. _Which he did. _"I didn't catch your name, miss…"

"SAKURA!" I pipe in raucously, and then realizing the stupidity of that, I lower my volume and repeat, "Haruno Sakura."

"Haruno-san then."

"You might as well call me Sakura," I grumbled. "No one, not even Ino, found out that much about me in the span of an hour."

He smirked. Wow, I'm glad I'm such a riot. Not. Le sigh.

"Sakura it is then." He surveyed the kitchen, noting how even the ceiling was smeared with rice. "How are you planning to clean up?"

I gestured widely towards the hallway (and managed to knock over a vase, which he caught.) "Ah sorry. I was going to grab a mop and some towels in that closet." I sigh noisily and added, "This is pretty much normal for me, so my brother stocks my cleaning closet regularly." I probably shouldn't mention that there's a fire extinguisher there too, which Shikamaru added in case the toaster or anything else catches fire again.

"I… see." He raised an eyebrow at me (hotness!) and once again looked over the mess. Just as I was passing him by to get to the closet, I heard him speak again. "I'll help you."

I stare back at him dumbly. Screw safety of having a stranger hanging out in my house. My eyes start to become blindly shining, its green shade glistening with tears. NO ONE, not even Shikamaru, has EVER volunteered to help me clean my kitchen messes. They said that it's hazardous to their health.

"You will?" I breathed softly, afraid that whatever spell cast on him will be broken by my voice. Better safe than sorry.

"Yeah." He ran his hand through his hair again, uncomfortable of my obvious adoration and gestured quickly at the scene (of my crime.) "If you do it alone, it'll take all night."

"But how about your friend picking you up?"

He rolled his eyes. "Knowing Naruto, he probably wouldn't have gotten my message in his answering machine yet, so I'll have to be stuck somewhere until he gets the message."

My eyes bulged. "Naruto? Uzumaki Naruto?"

Sasuke looked at me before nodding slowly. "Dumb blonde, obnoxious orange jacket."

I bounced over to him and smacked his arm good-naturedly. He raised an eyebrow at this but kept silent. "Oh good, you're not a murderer!" I sigh happily and added, "I know Naruto, and you probably would've been acquainted with me if I hung around him long enough."

"Aa." He went past me and opened the cleaning closet and grabbed the stuff we'll need for cleaning. I grab the bucket from his hand and chirped, "I'll prepare the cleaning solution for this, so, um…"

"I'll start by wiping down the counters."

I grinned. Oh, he's just too much. "Yeah, thanks!"

"Hn."

-------------

We've been cleaning for two hours straight now, with him quietly wiping down the countertops and cabinets while I mop the floor with this practically acidic solution that I have in my closet. Since I've established that he could've murdered me anytime, and if he hadn't yet then he probably never planned to. So in my mind, he is safe.

Yay, I can display my smexiness and flirt!

"Sasuke-kun, don't you think Christmas is awesome?"

"Hn."

"Neh neh, my Christmas tree is cute huh?"

"Hn."

"Oh, and the socks by my chimney is authentically knit by me! Isn't that so quaint?"

"Hn."

Or not.

I sigh, my last attempt at conversation so coldly shot down. Oh well.

"We'd better stop, Sasuke-kun," I said, straightening up from my position and stretching. "It's almost 1am and… hey, isn't Naruto here yet?"

Sasuke frowned. "He should have been here hours ago. Mind if I call again?"

"Go ahead!" I reply. "Or maybe you can try the internet, I know my friends sit their asses more in front of their laptops."

"I'll do that."

I walk over to my laptop and went straight into the chat log-in page. I gestured for him to sit while I drop unceremoniously to the couch beside it, yawning blearily. I snuggle more into the cushions, thinking, _Just 10 minutes._

The next thing I knew, I was in my bedroom and the sun was shining through my window.

-------------

"I already told you Ino, I didn't _know_ Uchiha Sasuke actually goes to our school." I pinched the cellphone in between my shoulder and my jaw while I rifle through my closet. Brown blouse, brown blouse… "And its 6am in the morning, stop trying to take my ear off."

"But Sakura, even_ Hinata_ knew who Sasuke is. How could you have missed him?!" Ino replied dramatically, and I could just see her waving her arm around.

Found my brown blouse. Olive skirt and studded belt… "Ino, I don't exactly make a job of checking out all the guys at school. We're in a university, that's practically impossible." Silver bangles, check.

I hopped around the house trying to put on my brown boots as Ino shrieked on the other end. "He's a buddy of Naruto!!! How the _heck_ can you not hear whatever that guy broadcasts all over the cafeteria?!"

"I try not to listen. It's an acquired trait," I answered dryly, tapping the toes of my pointed boots on the floor before straightening up.

"It's a good thing you're helping me pack since I'm renting out that extra bedroom you have, or I'll be scratching the walls like I'm mental. Ugh. The wait is killing me."

"God help us. Tell you what Ino, I'll give you a blow by blow account the moment I get there, just… let me _get_ to your dorm, 'kay? The snow is making me late as it is." I grab my bag and Burberry coat from the coat rack beside my front door just as I yank it open. I feel the cold air biting my face as some snowflakes make its way to my front entrance. I proceed to lock my door with my key as I keep my phone jammed to my ear. Transit-pass in the bag, check. Wallet? Check. Lipstick? Check. Random makeup necessities? Check. "My class starts at 8, so I barely have an hour and a bit to help you pack. I'll spill the moment I come through the front door."

"YOU'D BETTER, BIATCH. I'll never forgive you if you don't," Ino snapped, but I can't exactly hear her, the wind proving to be a winner even if it was Ino's voice who's competing against it. (No simple feat.)

I never noticed the white sheet of paper stuck under the vase in my front entrance.

_Sakura,_

_Naruto told me your first class is at 8. I'll pick you up at 7._

_Sasuke_

-------------

"And then I woke up and he was gone. So there. The end. " I gulped deeply, my monologue having taken up most of my air. I look like a fish for a second, but who cares? Just us girls here, no guy to pimp for.

Ino, Tenten and Hinata stared at me. I glared back. _What?_

"No sex?!"

"You fell asleep when there was a stranger that can kill and rob you any time?!"

"You took a bath using soap that he used?!"

I glared harder. "Hell no, Stupid but yeah, and yes, coz I didn't have any extra soap. Besides, how do you disinfect soap?!" I exhaled loudly, rolling my eyes as I tape the last box containing picture frames. "And besides, my stupidity didn't get me killed, which is just about the only regular good thing about it."

Ino snorted. "Yeah. Remember the time the toaster caught your hair on fire?"

"Or the time the fire alarm sounded and you stood on top of the heated oven?" Tenten added.

Hinata giggled softly. "There was also the time she put the foiled fish in the microwave."

Glare. Glare. Glare. "I did NOT die. Which is the point. NOW," I intoned loudly, as I saw Tenten and Ino open their mouths, "I am going to school, as it is – " I checked the wall on the far side of the floor, "_Eff my life_, 7:45." I scampered around the now-cleared dorm and grab my coat, bag and shoes. I needed to run to the opposite side of campus for my Italian class. "See you at lunch, Ino, you owe me a burger and Tenten, a soda. _Ciao!_"

I slammed Ino's dorm door shut as I made a mad dash for the +15 bridges throughout the campus. I stuck my arm through my coat as I made a beeline for the overpass in the next building, calculating my excuse madly in my head. My prof is nice and all that, but it's a good thing to have a reason to tell her.

I felt my phone vibrating in my coat pocket, and I whipped it out as I did my best not to slide on the black ice in the driveway of the dorms. Naruto. Huh.

I flipped it open. "'llo?"

"Sakura-chan?" I vaguely heard Naruto answer. Wow, even the wind can silence Naruto. _Kudos_. I heard him say something else, but nothing I could understand.

"Gomen, Naruto, I can barely hear you. Talk to you later, 'kay?" I shouted back, and I ignored Naruto's barely-heard cries of, "Wait, wait!" as a flipped my phone close.

-------------

Lunch. Heaven on university. Kindergarteners call it their favourite class. Grade schoolers, middle-schoolers, and high-schoolers do too. University students do too. I remember asking my dad before, and he said it was also his favourite hour at work. Guess lunch will always be paradise hour wherever you are in your 'road of life' (see Kakashi-sensei's posters and print ads for details.)

"How was class?" I heard a voice behind me ask. I turned around and grinned tiredly at my brother, Shikamaru, as he reached over me and paid my lunch order with his. Ah, the benefits of brothers.

"Hell, what else? Project in Law class, test in Italian, and I still have damn Anthropology and Psych left."

Shikamaru grabbed our brown A&W bags as he looked around the cafeteria for his and my friends. He absently messed with my hair as I was getting our drinks. "Where're your friends?"

I crossed my arms and pouted. "They texted me and told me they all had this ginormous project in Biology, and they have to finish it before 3pm. Therefore," I smiled up at him, my good mood restored, "if you, darling brother of mine, haven't found me, I would've been by my lonesome self for an hour before my next class."

Shikamaru snorted. "Troublesome. And besides, if I wasn't here, you probably would've ended up at Naruto's table or made some new random friend you can eat with, you're that obnoxious." He moved sideways as a guy went hurrying past us. Sheesh, didn't they know not to run in the cafeteria?

I was absently following Shikamaru to wherever he was going as I mentally checked off the stuff I would need to get from my locker. Anth book? Sure. Psych book? Too heavy. Chocolate? Hell yeah.

I saw my brother raise his hand to greet the other occupants of their normal table. Chouji was busy fattening himself up and just scrunched his face up at Shikamaru, Naruto grinned up at us, Neji glanced at my brother (and totally ignored my awesome self), Sasuke glared pointedly at me, and fangirls burned holes through my new blouse.

Huh?

"Why are you glaring at me?" I blurted out tactlessly, drawing the attention of everyone listening to Sasuke and me. That would be Shikamaru, the boys at the table, and the near hundred fangirls watching (and hating) me like hawks.

Oops.

"Nothing," he hissed, looking away from my direction.

Well, if I was going to walk up the plank, I might as well fall and drown in Davy Jones' locker. (Save me, Orlando Bloom, and take me in your gorgeous arms!) "You ARE glaring. I saw you," I continued artlessly, ignoring Shikamaru's snort at my brilliant comeback.

"It was probably because of this morning, Sakura-chan!" Naruto volunteered helpfully. I turn my full attention to him (as did anyone within hearing distance) as he added, "'Coz he was going to – OW, TEME, THAT HURTS!" Naruto glared balefully at Sasuke's raised fist as he clutched his sore head. "You never told me to keep it a secret, and –"

"Keep what a secret, Naruto? " I leaned in eagerly, interested despite the consequences. Hopefully, Shikamaru catches Sasuke's fist before it hits my head.

Naruto turned his head towards me enthusiastically, waving his arms as he said, "Well, this Teme was planning to go back to your house this – MY RAMEN!!!!"

_Awww._

I couldn't help but feel sorry for Naruto as he sank comically to his knees in front of the trash bin, clutching the bin tightly and staring tearfully into the black abyss where his precious noodles are now waiting for decomposition. That must've hurt him as deeply and mortally as it would've hurt me, say, if it was my Godiva chocolates that were thrown.

My condolences.

Naruto (and me, because I feel for Godiva) glared at the perpetrator of this unforgivable crime. _Uchiha Sasuke. _Assumed murderer of my evening, infector of my bathroom, saviour of my kitchen, and ramen-slayer.

My hero.

(The back of my mind agrees with the fact that Naruto _does _require a better diet that daily ramen.)

Sasuke's attention swivel back to me. Gulp.

"Shikamaru, mind if I borrow your sister?" Sasuke asked, not even bothering to look at my brother. Yes! Shikamaru will save me! He will not allow his sweetheart, beloved sister to be left at the hands of an unbalanced (but hot. _Real hot._) man to do who-knows to me? Science experiment? _Date partner?___Heaven forbid.

"She has a class at 1," Shikamaru replied lazily, calmly sipping his Coke. _That's the extent of your love and protection? _Not letting me be late for class?!

But this is still hot. _Mmm_.

I felt numb as Sasuke grabbed my wrist and pulls me along. I was glaring accusingly at my _dear, beloved_ brother as he shrugged and turned his back from me. I ignored the fangirls scorching holes throughout my body. _If you want him, be pro-active! Barack Obama! Hakuna Matata!_

I saw Ino round the far corner and our eyes meet. I stretched my free hand to her, a clear gesture for help. _I will lend you my black leather go go boots!_ Ino stared at me blankly for a moment, before beaming at me as she rushes straight for the table I just vacated. Before I totally lost sight of them, I saw her and Naruto's head practically crash with the speed of their gossip collaboration. Oh yay. There goes my safety from the fangirls who haven't heard about this yet, Ino has the biggest mouth in campus.

And then Sasuke turned his head slightly and smirked at me, dragging me through endless corridors. "How are you going to get out of this talk?"

I started contemplating my will and testament as I prepare to meet my maker.

"_Dearly beloved God, we are gathered here today…"_

-------------

Ch. I wasted 5 minutes of my roughly-dragged (but romantic. It's not everyday a hunky doodle drags me.) moments recalling the wrong mass prayers. Why was I remembering the marriage rites?!

By the time I felt my feet dragging the snow outside the cafeteria building, I decided against praying, just in case God heard me and decided that He will save me from being carted around by hunks. Don't want Him misinterpreting me.

So I simply decided on how to calm down and not die of 3rd degree burns from the _hot maleness. _(Hard to get over the gorgeousness in front of me, his firm hand now grasping my hand, his aura radiating male triumph, his body flexing from -

Right. Stopping now.)

He stopped abruptly in front of the gigantic abstract contraption-slash-art on top of a small hill, smack dab in the middle of campus. Needless to say, the area was deserted due to the weather, and the people inside the buildings are probably wondering the mental state of the two idiots exposing themselves in the cold in the middle of nowhere.

Join the club.

"Your front door is broken, your house has been searched and just about everything upturned, and your cat is missing," Sasuke suddenly narrated without pause, staring at my face and obviously trying to gauge my reaction. He knitted his eyebrows in confusion when not a peep escaped from me, tilting his head a bit to the side, as if trying to see if there's a brain past my ear.

I saw this all as if from the view of an observer, like a television show where nothing I do or shout will affect the characters inside the black box. Like a mermaid through the ocean's still surface, watching silently as her prince was taken away by a woman who pretends to be her. I was like a spirit hovering on top of the two stragglers in the middle of a snowy hill, watching as the handsome male took out his gloved hand from his jacket pocket and waved it swiftly in front of the unresponsive pink-haired woman.

In short, I DO NOT COMPREHEND.

See manual for _'Restart' button_.

"Sakura?" He repeated, a thread of concern in his voice as his leather-covered index finger poked me gently in my (amazingly beautiful) forehead. "You there?"

"Where's the camera?" I blurted out, looking around wildly for some indication that this was just some spoof by the movie club, America's Home videos, or even… even… Prank Patrol! (I am _that_ desperate that this is all just a nightmare – I'm even willing to be in the corniest show I know.)

"No joke," Sasuke replied, his jaw clenching spasmodically at my reaction.

"But... but," I fumbled frantically, "I just bought a pair of Dolce & Gabbana stilettos and I _know_ I left it just behind my front door! If that was wrecked, my life can't go on!"

I walked away a couple of steps away and turn my back from him, stretching my arms widely to receive the wind to soothe the agony of my soul. (Catch me, Leonardo DiCaprio!)

"I'll buy you new ones," the (evil) Leonardo behind me answered flatly.

Okay, that's crossing the line.

I turned around furiously. "You CANNOT, repeat CAN _NOT_, simply replace a pair of size seven, diamond-studded, ankle-laced, 4-inch black Dolce & Gabbana stilettos! I chose them, agonized over them, loved them, adored them, and cherished them - my _babies!_" I waved my arms erratically and paced away a bit, my emotions getting the best of me. "And it's brand_ new_, dammit! I spent the rest of my allowance and begged more from Shikamaru for them and you," I poked his chest as viciously as I can, "destroyed my door, exposed them to the cold or shoved them or _stepped on them_ and damaged them FOREVER!"

I inhaled and exhaled deeply, having made my point.

"They're just shoes," he replied stoically, and I was just about to deck him regardless of how cute his jaw was when he continued, "besides, it wasn't me who destroyed your door, it was the police."

_That_ took the wind out of my sails.

"The police?!" I shrieked, my eyes bulging inelegantly. "Why the HELL would the police break my door, destroy my house and damage my D&Gs for life?!"

He rolled his eyes at my last comment but kept his mouth shut. Good idea. "I thought you died or something when you didn't answer the doorbell when I came for you at 7."

Decking him was _really_ looking good right now. "I wasn't even HOME at 7 in the morning! I was helping Ino pack her stuff so that she can move in with me today!" I knitted my eyebrows, thinking that I forgot something. Aha! "And why would you even be ringing the doorbell at 7, you jerk! You left me without a word last night, so how should I know you were planning to pick me up for school and in the process pulverize my place!"

He looked at me like I was a few screws loose. I probably am. "I left a note by your front door telling you that I'll be picking you up."

I brushed my bangs haphazardly and slapped my palm noisily on his chest. "I never saw that note! And so, just because I didn't answer the doorbell, you decided to call the police and demand a search on my house?!"

"Sakura," he said, his tone like that of a father to a child. As I said, _a jerk. _"In one night, you managed to allow a stranger into your house, explode a rice-cooker, let said stranger into your bathroom, and fall asleep while the stranger was still in your house. For all I know, you did it all over again with an actual murderer after I left."

"But you WERE that stranger!" I replied angrily, uncaring if I was making sense or not.

"Fortunately," he retorted, glaring at me. The nerve! "If I was an actual criminal, you would have been dead by now."

"Che!" I pouted, crossing my arms in front of me. "That's no reason to… to… destroy my house!" I wailed, tears falling furiously on my cheeks. I felt the tear trails on my cheeks become colder that the rest of my face. _Note to self:_ Crying in the rain is good, but not snow.

Sasuke looked comically bewildered at my face for a second before regaining composure. "I'm sorry," he said quietly, freeing his left hand from his glove and attempted to put it over my cheek. I practically break my neck in the speed of which I turned away, and after a moment's hesitation, he placed his hand on top of my head. "I'll do something about it. I promise."

I refused to answer him, but this didn't seem to bother him as he led me to the nearest building which, coincidentally, was where my next class would be. He hesitated for a second after leading me to my class's door (I guess Shikamaru told him my where it would be), but then he just opened the door and gave me a little push to get me through it (yeah, I was _that_ uncooperative).

"See you."

_Like hell you will!_

-------------

After thinking it over (aka, after about two seconds) I decided to skip my Anthropology class. Neji has the same option, and I know for a fact that he practically takes the notes as it was dictated (I even saw how he took note of when the teacher said, 'uhmmm.' Freaky.)

I remembered that Ino said something about hanging out in Starbucks around this time. I was about to head over there when I recalled that Hinata had a spare at this hour too. She should be… ah! At the 8th floor of McKimmie Library. I could head over there and calm down before going off for my Psych class. Otherwise, I'll blow up all over her cousin.

Then die.

… Hinata-chan, here I come!

After around 10 minutes of walking, I was entering the elevator to go to the 8th floor and hoping that nothing cliché happens like Sasuke walking into my empty elevator and then getting stuck in the middle of the floors and then we panic and he climbs up to the ceiling, pees on the edge, touches me (without washing his hands! Ick.), and then we go back inside the elevator where I discover, to my horror, that he has a fever and then we cozy it up and I wind my scarf around his neck and tell him, "Use it. I'm Tsukushi (not really. I'm Sakura.) the weed (I'm a flower). I love Hana Yori Dango, but I really don't want to be touch by a hand that just touched his… his… _thing._ (Not Hinata's influence. Just being normal.)

I think I just saw black hair in a chicken-butt hairstyle in the distance.

I jumped out and headed for the stairs.

I'm not taking any chances.

-------------

By the time I got to the 8th floor, I was smiling and happy and exuding joy from every pore. I was so _glad_ I had that workout!

LIKE HELL I AM. I was gasping and choking and dying and kicking myself over and over because of my paranoia.

I found Hinata's seat by the window and dragged myself to the chair across from her. She silently offered me her bottle of water and watched as I chugged it down like a person who just survived a desert storm.

"Do you want to talk about it?" she asked softly, looking at me apprehensively. Ah, Hinata. Just because I love you, I will continue praying for the NaruHina ship to leave port even though I really don't get what you see in that dobe.

I smile tiredly. "In a minute."

Then I crashed my head into the table and dozed away.

-------------

_Eff my life._

I hurriedly punched the 'down' button of the elevator as I skittishly shifted my weight from one leg to the other. I just woke up not a minute ago, and I saw that it was already dark outside. Since my Psych class was at 2:30pm, I could _pretty _much guess that I missed it. Any normal person would be angry at their friend who left them, but I knew Hinata probably thought that I needed my rest (I did sleep at 1 and wake up at 5), no matter when or where it was. Thank heavens I don't snore.

I demonstrated my ability to trip at nothing as I was entering the elevator, and ignoring the disbelieving looks the three other passengers were throwing at me, I sidled up to the blonde girl around my age and asked, "Do you have the time?"

She glanced at her wristwatch and answered, "7pm."

"Thanks," I murmured.

_Effing 7. _

We reached the ground floor and I was the first one out, dashing (and continuously slipping) through the path as I head for the train station. It takes me exactly an hour to get home and I was not looking forward to going home at night. Drunkards were notorious night train-takers. Ugh.

Thankfully, nothing weird and dangerous happened to me (that was caused by other people anyway.) I just tripped in front of my bus, but fortunately it managed to hit the brakes before then.

I am currently one bus stop away from home, and I'm quite honestly dreading my arrival. '_Your front door is broken, your house has been searched and just about everything upturned, and your cat is missing.'_ Doesn't really make you all fuzzy and excited to reach home.

I reached my stop and after thanking the driver, breathed in to calm myself. I will not scream. I will not cry. I will not be hysterical – again, so that my neighbour will not call for the mental facility (like he did 4 months ago when my cat made a hole through my Guess skirt).

I turned around, forcing my closed eyes to open and reciting 'Ohm, ohm' in my head and…

Nada. Normal house.

No. Can't be happy yet, this might be an illusion by my brain or something (to better encourage my mental-facility-calling neighbour).

I sloshed through the snow as I reached over to grab my mail and opened my front door.

I sink to my butt, disregarding the snow, my now very cold ass, and my scattered mail as I stretched my hands in front of me reverently. There, on top of the step in my front hall, was my size seven, diamond-studded, ankle-laced, 4-inch black Dolce & Gabbana stilettos.

I closed the door as I crawled towards my shoes, taking it gently and hugging it to my chest with all the care and comfort it deserved, murmuring and cooing sweet nothings at it.

"You love it THAT much?" I heard a voice above me asked, and I couldn't even dig up a glare for the man standing above me, acting like he belonged here.

"My babies," I said gleefully, bouncing up to my feet and twirling around with my shoes safely encased in my arms. "Safe and sound. Who wouldn't be happy?"

Sasuke shook his head and smirked before turning his back and heading towards my living room. This was the moment I noticed how my living room floor was shining. Is that _wax?_

"Yes," Sasuke answered without looking at me. Oops, guess I voiced that out loud. I placed my precious babies inside their box at the bottom of my shoe rack, then glanced back as Sasuke put more wax on the rag he was holding. Based from how he was just about finished and how well done the wax job was, I can pretty much tell that he's been here for a while.

Better count my blessings and not question it. But I _do _need to thank him somehow.

"I'll make dinner!" I announced cheerfully, turning to the kitchen, thinking to myself a dish I could cook for him. Fettuccini? Lasagne? Fried fish? Onigiri?

"NO!" I heard him shout before the air was knocked out of me by an arm wrapped tightly around my waist. I felt myself fall on top of him just as a door down the hall opened.

"Sakura, what the hell was that – " Ino, who was walking out of her (new) room, glanced around in alarm before her eyes zeroed in on our prone figures on the floor. I think I heard her jaw hit the floor. "I – this, um – Yeah. Sakura, I'll be sleeping over Tenten's place. Feel free to – Right." She whipped out her cellphone and snapped a picture of us before adding, "Condoms on my second drawer. Ta!"

And then she was gone.

Not for the first time today, I think 'Oh, _yay.'_

-------------

"That was an overreaction and you know it!"

"Exploding rice-cooker."

"It's not like I can't _handle_ the kitchen!"

"Exploding rice-cooker."

"Can't you shut up about that damned rice-cooker?!"

"Exploding rice-cooker," Sasuke repeated unfailingly, not even humouring me. Or listening to me. I watched irritably as he shaped a triangle for the onigiri we were eating, where he then shook his head and took out more rice from the new rice-cooker.

Having finished making enough for the two of us, he placed the plate in front of me, where I immediately grabbed one and started eating. This same guy in front of me prevented me from sinking my teeth into my luscious Uncle Burger, and even if this was poor substitute for sirloin, carbs is carbs.

As I was munching, I felt Seraphina, my Russian Blue kitten, cuddle up to my legs and meow. Strangely enough, she wasn't bumping her head to my leg – a clear indication that she wanted to eat. Since this is around the time I feed her, I could only assume that someone fed her already. And since Ino didn't even know how to feed a human (birds of the same feather and all that), I can only guess on who fed her for me.

"Santa fed Seraphina!" I speculated excitedly, picking up my cat and putting it to my cheek. My eyes traveled to where Sasuke was sitting, and seeing his reaction, I pouted. "What?"

"I fed him."

"HER," I replied automatically, before reaching over to punch his shoulder light-heartedly. "I know, idiot. I was just teasing. Obviously, it didn't work."

Sasuke frowned at the word 'idiot', but refrained from commenting as he picked up our plates and started washing up. I was about to go to him and help, but one of his sharp glares was enough to put me back on my seat. Hey, the guy wants to work and practically skewered me with a glance so that I would stay seated – I've got nothing against that!

Watching him carefully, I started remembering the grading system at college. A+, A, A- and stuff. By analyzing details through thorough observation and comparative inspection, I could say, without a doubt, that Sasuke's butt was an A+. _Mmm…_ It reminds me of those lords and dukes in those tight, _tight _breaches from my romance novels. It helps the imagination that Sasuke was also wearing fairly tight black jeans (not uber tight though) My, I wonder what he'll look like in leather…

"Whenever you're done," a masculine voice suddenly said, breaking me from my thoughts. To my horror, I saw that Sasuke had already turned around and was looking at me amusedly, as if having read my earlier thoughts on his _very_ well-endowed body.

…Which he probably did, since now I'm staring in shock at the front version of his ass. Gulp.

I burst in fiery colour, looking away swiftly and staring pointedly at my cracked, shiny floor, refusing to look up even as I felt him coming near me. Shiny floor, stay with me...

I abruptly looked up and unexpectedly felt a stinging pain in my head. I blurrily saw Sasuke stagger back awkwardly from me, holding his chin painedly. _Oh_, I clipped him. Huh. Well, I did originally want to deck him.

After a few moments of moaning in pain, I stood up to grab some ice from the fridge and asked haltingly, "Sasuke-kun, why did you wax my floor?"

Sasuke took a deep breath from having mumbled a string of curses I tuned out – they were making me go redder. I chanced a glance at him and almost went into cardiac arrest when I saw his cheeks – those white, white, snow white and the seven dwarves' cheek – go slightly red. Now, I know I don't really encounter a lot of Tall, Dark and Handsomes, but add Brooding to that, and I know from all my novels that they don't go red easily.

That said, Sasuke _was _still red, and looking at me affrontedly. What, all I did was ask a question. Hmph.

"It's my sorry," I heard him mumble quietly.

Score. He did it for _me_. I think.

I blushed beet-red (again). "Omigosh Sasuke-kun, you didn't have to! I mean, yes, you did cause my door to be destroyed and my house ransacked, then verbally harassed me at school, both in front of the school body and out, then you made my bestfriend think that we're about to have sex, and now they're going to torture me about this forever! But no, Sasuke-kun, it's not your fault at all!" I blabbered, biting my lower lip as I steal a glance at him.

"Thanks for making me feel better," Sasuke said dryly, straightening up and heading for the hallway.

I panicked. He's leaving?! "Wait, Sasuke-kun, I'm sorry, don't leave, at least let me – GAAAAAAAAAAH!"

I threw my head back as fast as I could, feeling my body follow the motion of my head. I land safely on my butt, feeling winded but otherwise unhurt. Well, hell. Wonder how many times can a girl fall on her butt before it totally loses its shape?

"What happened?!" Suddenly I was yanked upwards by a hand clutching my forearm, and I saw Sasuke glance swiftly at my face and arms before looking relieved.

I rolled my eyes. "I slipped."

"Considering how clumsy you are, I'm surprised you're still alive."

I bristle in anger. "HEY! It's your fault – you waxed the floor!"

"Waxed floors are usually considered good things."

"Not when you're me, it ain't!"

He sighed. Awww, now I feel guilty – he did put in effort even when he could have just said sorry to me. It's not everyday you find a guy who chooses to do housework for you instead of buying a useless (but very cute) trinket as an apology.

"Do me a favour?" I heard him suddenly ask.

I whipped my head to face him and smiled as brightly as I could. My teeth of youth shall display my profound gratitude! (I've been hanging out with Lee too much). "Yes?"

He pulled me swiftly to a corner of my living room and sat me down to the floor. I noticed that my sofas were pushed to the walls and the random stuff I clutter my living room with heaped on top of it. Damn, where would my M&M's be now?

"Sit tight while I finish waxing the corner. Then tell me where to get your floor rugs," Sasuke said, standing up and looking sternly at me.

I stood up. "I can get it!"

He snorted under his breath. "You'll slip."

I pouted, crossing my arms, then changing my mind and poking him in the chest. "No, I won't!"

His eyes narrowed into slits, looking scary in their shadowed positions with his head bent down in order to look at me. "You just did."

Placing my hands on my hips, I bared my fangs. I feel my inner-Edward coming out. "This is my house, and MY floor! I know I won't slip!"

He towered menacingly over me. Geez, does he have to do that? Height-complex here. "Sakura, don't make me come down there."

Crossing the line, dude. No one messes with the height! "YOU! YOUYOUYOUYOU DAMN –"

"Did you know that ever since I met you, I probably lost years of my life worrying?"

That shut me up about the height issue. Temporarily. "You were worried?"

He rolled his eyes. "Sakura, I doubt anyone you know doesn't worry about you constantly."

No way he's getting me off topic. "But _you_ worried?"

He smirked.

Then he crouched and swiped my ankles with his left leg, knocking me down on my butt. Does everyone have a vendetta against my ass?! What, did it commit fratricide in its past life or something?

I felt his hand on my head and I looked up, growling at him angrily. Bastardbitchassholepunkass –

"Sit."

What, does he expect me to wag my tail and bob my head? I was just opening my mouth to retort something very, very smart – I just haven't decided what it is yet – when I felt him shove a cookie (where the hell did he get that?) in my mouth.

Oh, nice. Now I have a treat.

"Ihf hu shink I hill shust shtay hewe shen you haf anofer fing cohming!" I groused incomprehensibly, munching as fast as I could on the gigantic chocolate-chip cookie that git pushed in its entirety into my mouth. When I get my hands on him….

I'll rape him.

Whoops. Errant thought.

Moving on.

I saw him round the corner with some of my floor rugs on his arms. After glancing at me – and judging by his smirk, he was checking if I was behaving and was smug that I am – he dumped the rugs near me and grabbed the waxing items he placed by the quarter of the living room that he was finishing up in.

The last thought in my mind as I swallow the last bit of the cookie in my mouth was something about Cosmo morphing into Naruto and Wanda into Sasuke. Wow… Sasuke has pink hair…

-------------

Kablag.

Bhaguwhoodunit?

I shook my head drowsily from my position in the floor of my living room, my legs tangled haphazardly in a blanket, managing to maintain its place on the soft thing a couple of feet above me.

Whaugh? Couch?

Something about shiny floor and A+ butt and cookie_, _my brain processed. I practically felt the screws in my head whirring belatedly, the cobwebs clearing up bit by bit.

Onigiri and karate leg thing, and Timmy is an average kid… and me on the couch. Couch?

Blah. Whatever.

I glance at the clock as it read 2 am. Ugh. What is it with me and early damned mornings?

I make my way to the washroom to clean up and happened to glance at my laptop on the loveseat, the screen black but still opened. Deciding to hibernate it properly (just because), I move over slowly towards it. As I moved the cursor over the Start button, I happened to glance at my constantly-open chatbox.

And then it happened.

I saw an offline message that filled me with such unspeakable horror. One that transcends time and space, heaven and earth, Amityville and 28 Weeks Later. A terror so chilling flowed through my veins, seeming to be needles poking holes throughout my entire body. Only once before had I seen reason to feel such, such _pity_ for my own existence, but this bottomless sympathy has just cause. And apparently, I am to be subjected to this death of soul once again, robbed completely of my own devices for self-preservation.

**Dramababe017:** Sakura, we have a bet. =D

-------------

I'm sorry!!! This was supposed to be a oneshot, but its sort of hard to write a oneshot passes 24 pages in Microsoft Word, so yeah (.) it became a doubleshot.

Reviews makes me happy, and constructive criticism is welcome as well.


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